Today was a big one. I've been a little cryptic in recent posts as we've been playing the waiting game on transfers, but the truth is that we've been scared and frustrated that our journey with Ashlee as our carrier was at the risk of ending before it fully got started. To make a long story short, we've spent a few months trying to get her uterus prepped for a transfer, but we've hit some roadblocks along the way (See THIS post for more). In a last ditch effort, my doctor took Ashlee off of all medications this month to see how her uterus would react to a "natural cycle" relying solely on her own naturally occurring hormones. We were prepped in advance that if the lining didn't look solid at the check this month, we would likely need to move on a find a new match . . . no pressure.
Let's just say that even typing that we would need to be ready to move on to a new match still feels like a kick in the gut. There are the more tangible reasons to be sad like additional time until we have a baby or the financial implications of a re-match, but the most gut wrenching was the thought of anyone BUT Ashlee carrying for us. We know our situation is unique in that many intended parents do not spend much time with their carriers. We have been so fortunate to not only have LOTS of time with Ashlee while preparing for a transfer but also to have formed a bond quickly and easily in a way that can only be explained by being what I would consider a perfect match. When faced with the idea that we might need to "re-match," Josh and I took some time to seriously reflect about whether we could see ourselves even continuing in this process if it wasn't with Ashlee.
All week long we've been focused on releasing the process, praying for a good outcome, and not allowing ourselves to dwell on the "what-ifs." Texts with Ashlee confirmed that this was her mindset too, and I think its safe to say we both spent plenty of time on our knees this week praying (and in my case pleading) for a good appointment today.
Friends - not only was is good - it was GREAT. We are now several hours removed from the appointment, and I still get happy tears every time I think about this morning. With Ashlee's blessing, I am so excited to share some of the medical details, the happiness, and the best testament of faithfulness I can imagine.
We had the 8:15 a.m. appointment slot this morning (we were almost the last slot of the day on a Saturday, which meant a very light clinic morning for our doctor). After just a few minutes to catch up, Ashlee and I found ourselves in the exam room with a very short wait for our doctor to arrive. After a few more minutes of small talk (and lots of nervous chatter on my part), my doctor did the ultrasound. I've usually watch the ultrasound screen with an eagle eye, but I didn't even allow myself to look for a good 10 - 15 seconds. By the time I looked up, he was examining Ashlee's ovaries, and I was worried/relieved I had missed the check of the lining. Her ovaries looked great with one large lead follicle, indicating she had not yet ovulated. He quickly checked the other side before moving to the uterus to check the lining. As soon as he found the lining, I couldn't help but say "trilaminar!" in an excited voice. (Trilaminar means "three lines" which shows a good integrity to the uterine lining - something we had been praying for at this appointment.) A few second more showed a uterine lining with no fluid and a much better looking appearance in terms of thickness. The doctor measured the lining twice, and got a measurement of 8 mm, which is PERFECT.
I'm honestly not sure about what happened for the next few moments. I think I grabbed Ashlee's hand, I may have hit her on the arm a few times, and I know I got scarily close to sobbing excitedly. Happy tears were pooling, and I think I took the deepest breath I've taken in a few months. Our doctor was gracious and kind, and I think even he was excited to see the result despite the overly emotional response it elicited in both Ashlee and me. He even stuck his head out of this office as we were walking by to the blood work lab, grinned and said "great news today!" which still makes me giggle.
So where does that leave us? With Ashlee as our carrier and a plan! Ashlee continues to be a trooper, and she will do some new forms of medication (more shots) on her next cycle as we try to mimic her natural cycle as closely as possible. As a carrier she cannot do an unmedicated cycle because we cannot run the risk that she ovulates in the same month that we do a transfer (we don't want to have ANY confusion about who the baby belongs to!). Now that we know we can get a good lining, the hope is that the new protocol will stop her from ovulating while still allowing her body to build a uterine lining on its own without fluid.
While that was plenty of medical updates, personal updates, and good news, I promised a bit of a story about faithfulness. We've been open about the fact that we've been saying lots of prayers throughout this process, and we know we have a TEAM of people praying for us every step of the way (overwhelming grateful doesn't even begin to express our thanks for each of you!). In some respects, knowing what or how to pray for things on a given day can seem overwhelming. Sometimes there is something super specific to pray for, and sometimes its just a prayer for grace, strength, clarity, etc. At this appointment, there were VERY specific things that needed to happen so we could move forward, but it had mainly been verbalized to us as needing to have a "good looking" lining.
After we finished the ultrasound, Ashlee went to the lab to get her blood work done. I was standing in the hall when I got a text from Ashlee with a picture. I stuck my head into the lab and asked if she meant to text me. She nodded, and I quickly looked down and saw the most amazing picture. It was a picture of a notecard with the specific prayers for our appointment that day that she had snapped so she could look at it in quiet moments. Most amazingly though, she had written specific things that needed to happen at the appointment and every single thing happened - even down to her prayer for a specific number on the lining of the uterus. I was floored. Many things about this process make it easy to lose hope, to lose sight of the bigger picture, and to forget about the miraculous moments. But this moment took my breath away.
We are filled with hope. We are ecstatic to continue in this process with Ashlee. And we cannot thank all of you for your prayers, good wishes, and happy thoughts you've given us to get us to today. We still have a ways to go in this journey, but today was a huge step in the right direction and as the title of this post says - it was certainly one of the BEST.
